Hairy Do

From a two-bit umpire: Here is my take on what M/s DH and BD did not do?

By the way, why are all the reports leaving the other player of the show, Billy? (I am following the crowd here by not giving Billy's mugshot for your perusal!)

Inzi is right. The whole situation is about the ball-tampering allegation.

This is what probably what transpired during those ill-fated moments prior-to, during and after the ball change...

As soon as HD sees that the ball has got a different characteristic than what it is supposed to have acquired over the ~55 over bashing, goes to dear Billy and tells him:
'Mate, there seems to be some problem with the quarter seam. I am not happy. It could be the greenies who did it. Did you see anything?'

PB (as in poor Billy): No maan. I ain't see nothin'. Did you any anythin'?

HD (as in Hairy Do): Ok mate. That means the greenies have done it. Let us change the ball and slap them with a fiver.

PB (as in poorer Billy): But you know maan...do we...

HD (as in Hairy-er Do): No mate. We shall slap them with a fiver and change the ball. I know the laws. Tow along, else might have to no-ball you

PB (wishing already he had declined this assignment quoting Dhoni-sixeritis): ... just mumbles along...

HD - whips out the yellow walkie-talkie calls up TJ (umpire water-boy) and asks him to rush to the field with the balls - i mean the red ones of varying wear and tear including a new ball, with which they play cricket.

KP and PC do oblige - with bemused smile though - and choose the one which can reverse the least... Oh those angels!

HD - Completes his daily quota of exercise, by tapping his left shoulder with very little flourish. (I almost thought that England - especially KP - was being penalized for having thumped the ball all over the concrete)

And the rest as they say, is history (sic)

What could have been done?

As soon as the problem was noticed, HD could have gone to Inzi and told him that he is not happy with the ball's condition and therefore, he is going to change the ball.

If he still wanted to be his officious self, HD could even have asked Inzi whether any of the Pakistan players had anything to do with that. Inzi would have bristled with indignation and might have tempted to call HD all sorts of names and would have restrained himself with great effort to not do that on the field... Having ascertained that his whipping boys did not do 'anything' to the ball, HD could have gone ahead to change the ball - one with a comparable wear and tear, which he was aware of - he had inspected it hardly 16 minutes ago when Cook had copped it.

Inzi could have howled till aloos grew roots about the change of the ball - but the umps were within their rights to do the same. But at least he was not called a cheat directly. Even if assuming that one of the players had tampered, this ball-change would have been a dampener (well almost rhymed it there!).

At least, Pakistan would not have had the ignominy of being called the 'cheats' and they could have added this incident to their long list of grouses against HD and gone on to win the match!

Well probably there was something wrong that HD ate during the lunch on that day and something worse that Inzi and Co. ate during tea!

Blame it on the inadequate culinary skills of the English :-)

For a reasonably middle-of-the-road Pom-in-Ozzie-land view, read Peter Roebuck's column on this fiasco.