Nut Crackers #3: Locksmiths!

If you have employed these species for their esoteric services, you would have realized that even the most un-yielding locks would open up like 7-11 at their hands, with one of those small pin like contraption. On top of it, invariably, the lock would have to be replaced. And worse still, one’s purse also lightens up so fast that you literally want to starve for a week to save up the money. What to do?

But this locksmith who came home last week, proved to be a good-fun guy. After the customary 10-second trick, he went on to regale the females of the household with a few funny locked-out anecdotes.

One of which was a cracker:

Apparently, there was an altercation between a husband and wife. The Young and Feisty wife, seeing that she was not winning the argument stormed out of the room. Disturbed because of the rarity of the event – the husband winning the argument over wife, that is – she banged the door close on her way out, leaving the husband to gloat secretly on his success.

Fifteen minutes later, mollified, she knocked the door calling out the husband for a quick dinner at the nearby hawker centre. Chicken rice to the soul, perhaps.

Unfortunately, the husband would not open the door and to add insult to injury, he even claimed that he could not open the door as the door was stuck!

Remember the wife being Y & F? She renewed the hostilities with the poor sod through the wooden door. But no, the hubby could not open the door. How impertinent of him?

The Y & F called the – no, not the locksmith but, the police claiming that the hubby was harassing her mentally by not opening the door. The blues came up and after a number of threats to the hubby…

“You will be put in jail!” (Where do you think I am now?)
“You will lose your house!” (First get me out of the room!)
“You will be divorced from your wedlock!” (Open this stupid lock, please!)

…they realized that he was possibly speaking the truth. Our dear locksmith was summoned as an expert and witness and after the usual sleight of hand, the hubby and wife reunited – and they are living happily everafter, probably.

PS: Locksmith mentioned that he gets more business if the couples are young or if the flat is on a high-floor or if the month is December. See the connection: Doors slam when it is quite windy!

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Didn't I say that writing in 100 words is quite tough. In just the third attempt, the word count went four times higher! Try, I shall...

Nut Crackers #2: EQ & Eugenics

With a 17-year old in the house, girls and dating can’t be far off from any discussion. B narrated this about a friend’s predicament in his class.


B’s friend M is a top-notch academics guy. Class first; world debating champion; no position is difficult for him to defend blah, blah, blah. And he wants to go to Oxford or Cambridge, with scholarship. Naturally. With this in the background, read on.

M: Hey B! What do you think about xyz? Can I approach her for a date?

B: Why this sudden interest in xyz, M?

M: No la! All these stupid scholarship boards not only look at IQ, they want to see your EQ as well! And I want to shore it up, you see!

B: Oh ok. She is fine and you can be a socialist with xyz. (Lingo for being less-volatile and steady)

M: (suddenly remembering something) Hey! Is she applying for Oxbridge?

B: (thinks for a nano-second) No. Why?

M: Aiyah! That is not good. She should be Oxbridge material, man!

B: Look here. What is important? EQ or Eugenics? If you want your love life to be driven by Eugenics then you need to forget not only xyz but a to w as well!!

M: (in a resigned tone) OK la! For now EQ wins….

PS: Boys will be boys. M apparently is so-smitten by xyz that he is sure of his EQ touching 150+ :-)

Nut Crackers #1: F1 Road Closure

No, this is not an attempt to sell any kitchen appliances or torture instruments - not much of a difference between the two though. Just an honest attempt to write in around 100 words about something that cracked us up. Very tough!

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As I was sleepily guiding the black behemoth yesterday morning towards the daughter’s school, there was this radio news item that caught our attention. “Singapore would experience low road closures this year during the F1 race!”

That set the tone for the next 300 seconds (that is the time that it takes for me to drive about 600 metres to the school!).

D somehow heard it as ‘Singapore would experience NO road closures this year during the F1 race!” (Happens if you hear it in the vernacular and you are sufficiently sleep-deprived) and her next comment really cracked it:

“So these drivers have to worry less about the speeds and bends but more about the traffic lights!”